Silence

Happy Holidays and Joy to the World and… Webster’s Dictionary defines…(inside joke 😉 )

The season to be jolly is here and I am more at peace than I have been in years. Oddly enough this is a time I should be panicked, nervous energy bundle. I was let got in October from a position I held with a college for years. I had enjoyed the work but the creative side of me was screaming for something new, to run out of there and never look back. And this was how I felt for years!  I felt in my heart that I was meant to write and create, and in my position, I saw all these people pursuing their joy; and I was helping them while still stuck in quicksand up to my hips, unable to move forward.

When I found out I was being let go I was jubilant, ready to fly out of there and never look back. However, the second it did two things happened. I lost my inability to move forward. I was locked in an intense depression, mentally and emotionally devastated. I didn’t want to go back to the pool of quicksand, but I didn’t know what steps I had to take to move forward. And with all this on my mind, my health failed. I got a viral infection, that wasn’t related to the pandemic. Allergy symptoms, cough, fevers, etc.; but for three weeks I was down for the count.

During this time I must have been impossible to live with. I wonder what my friend thought of me when I kept shooting down the inevitable move, and everything we had planned for the future. I kept questioning her loyalty, and if she wanted what I wanted. And we nearly didn’t go on a planned trip to the south because I didn’t think it was necessary. I knew or thought I knew, what I wanted and what she would think when she got there and saw it, and nothing would ever work out. She is a saint for putting up with me; and I was completely wrong, stuck in my own mental anguish.

When I came out of it I had lost my voice, literally. I have been fighting laryngitis for 6 weeks. This voiceless world has put a lot of things into perspective. I had to choose what I wanted or needed to communicate to others; rethink my writing style, rethink my future in media, and what I really truly desired to do.

We did end up going to Nashville for my birthday; the trip we planned so that my friend could see if she liked it as much as I adore it. I nearly didn’t get there, struck down by more odd symptoms and fears. But we did get on the plane and ended up having the time of our lives! Met up with fast new friends, ate fantastic food, saw wonderful concerts and sites, toured neighborhoods, et al. All the while I had a squeaky barely-there voice and so my friend had to be my translator for a lot of the time; she graciously did this for me without a rebuff, even talking to my Dad on the phone on my behalf on my birthday. (That will go down as the single most hilarious conversation with him ever.)

We didn’t narrow down the neighborhoods we liked, as we liked them all. We did end up finding a nice semi-retirement pasture for my horse. Horse heaven it seems! And the employment in the city is very optimistic, both professionally and creatively.

When we left I truly felt the loss of the city again, weeping openly on the plane. That place is my joy, and where I feel the empowered true me belongs. No, not to become a country singer; it’s more complex than that. But it is my spirit’s home. When we got back the voice didn’t return and I am still in turmoil over my future. Health can be slow to reclaim and I have to let it happen in its own time. I did go to a doctor and Covid was ruled out, as was a viral issue; so it is more than likely the elevation and the dry air here that is causing my issues.

As this proceeds, I am working on packing up things, selling what I can, and looking for work, either remotely, or in Nashville. The camera that yearns to be used to create on is waiting for me. I may do a laryngitis episode, and have to figure out how to do that without annoying the viewers as well as making my throat dry and cracked again.

I got the decorations out and started to put things up for the holiday. Instead of the usual stresses, I feel around this time I am feeling lighter and hopeful. Have I ever felt this peaceful during this time? No… will this be the end of my depression and struggles? (probably not). Will my friend get fed up with me? She probably has but hasn’t told me, and for that, she is a Godsend.

I wish you the same peace and joy during this time, as it’s truly a gift. I also wish you a friendship that spans time and space, that you can rely on and count on.. and that is more like family than family is. That is who T is to me.