Chrysalis

(This was written stream of consciousness at 5am, three weeks ago. I feel as though it is important as I went through this process. I am still in this state, but a little less so… you will see in the coming blogs what has come to pass)

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I hadn’t blogged in a while. After that extremely intense month with the producers workshop and the dental surgery, I felt off kilter. Then, my days at the college got brutal as we finally had figured out the program for Spring, including a residential program with one online course. Since I am the Admissions Director as well as the web support my hands and head have been quite busy.. up to my neck in work.

But as I came out of the work week, which included an inspirational website building seminar with Nina Pilgrim from 4leet, I wanted to get started on my true passions again. A little movement at this time is better then none.

There is a lot of work to do to that end and I am trying to wrap my head around it. As I am dealing with characters and continuously having to come up with material for Echo and my own personal blog. As a writer/ creator you define who your characters are and at the same time they define you.

I feel as though I am in a chrysalis bubble, something like an alien egg, or something Lady Gaga may come out on stage in, dressed in a nude body suit. I am sleeping more in a meditative like trance, looking at the world as it is and what it has become; sometimes wondering if this is real and why awe are putting ourselves through this. And who am I really in this scenario?

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I do think the world is opening wounds and exposing disgusting infections (sexual harassment, war, politics, hatred, bigotry, et al) in order to heal and grow. I have faith that things will be clearer in the future, but what if this is a pattern that we are in, going ground and round forever? I sure as hell hope not.

And then, on top of all this, and wanting to shut the world out, I see past friends, living completely different lives then me. Are they daft, so simple minded that they can be happy making stupid movies no one will ever like or care for.. or breeding incessantly to the point that Mother nature cries out for help!? Or leaving their literal past self behind that they can’t acknowledge a friend who they went through so much with, because that would make the world a confusing and complicated? Or did he simply give up. (this was before evidence came to light pointing him out to be the fraud that he is; more on that later.)

I lie in my chrysalis, all these thoughts and more going through my head, and trying not to scream. Regardless, soon I will burst forth from this safety as the person I am meant to be; struggling away from not knowing myself and towards what I truly believe and know who I am deep down…  and, just maybe, see the world the way it is meant to be.

 

by Sophia Bungay
Copyright @wickedlydrivenmedia2017

 

My Birthday Reflection

Of the Year Past and the Year already began.

So, my birthday was last weekend. I reflected over the past year and came to the conclusion I got a lot accomplished but would have liked to get a lot more done.
What did I do this past year: (in no particular order).

  • Started working on Echo
  • 
Finished several scripts and concepts
-Started doing photography on a regular basis
  • 
Traveled as much as needed, but not as much as I would have liked.
  • Started blogging on a semi-regular basis and got quite creative.
  • 
Lost weight
  • 
Dated, socialized, and networked
  • Got inspired
  • Moved into a new position at work which included an office a nameplate and a raise, but which also came with a ton of responsibility.
  • Made new friends and maintained the trusted friendships
  • Reconnected with some past friends and stayed connected to family
  • Made it a point to try and see my Dad’s side of things, regardless of how difficult that was.
  • Came to a peaceful compromise with my entire self (past & present), including being comfortable enough to share that aspect of myself with others, including in this blog, at work, and with friends. 
No backlash either, which make me feel more confident that who I am is accepted/ respected.
  • Minimized
  • Made plans for the coming year that I am very excited about and hope to share with all of you.

Now looking at the list I had made myself this time last year that I wanted to accomplish in 2017… (blue ones were accomplished in one form or another)

  • Not take my self so seriously
  • Know that you only live once in this time and place, in this identity, and make the most of it. 

  • Be grateful for everything that is going well and the bad things as they are experiences to learn from.
  • 
Be grateful for everyone in my life. 

  • Save up money

  • Get a new job or more hours/ more pay

  • Freelance writer/ filmmaker
  • 
Get back my Social life! 

  • Make more friends! 

  • Go out at least one day a week (music/ art galleries/ events, gatherings, etc.)
  • 
Get into a real/ right relationship
  • 
Get fit and run at least a 5 k if not more; Lose weight/ gain muscle & become a svelte athlete; Work out at least 6 days a week
  • Hike Mineral King
  • Horse shows/ trail riding etc.
  • 
Make Huge Moves in my Career
  • Work on film productions

  • Get job writing or film production
  • Network and move forward
  • 
Make Wickedly Driven Media an official LLC. (decided a better route was more proactive)
  • Health – Go Vegan or something close to it.
  • 
Creative Life 

  • Continue a Blog on Wickedly Driven Media 

  • Start a vlog! (for networking & camera fear)
  • Have at least 6 creative days a week – Write and film
  • 
Make at least 6 shorts or Music Videos &/or 1 feature film
  • 
Write a Novel and get it on Amazon!!!! (worked on a concept for a novel series)

  • Finish projects I start! 

  • Get work into more publications etc.
  • Reconnect with networking assets for future endeavors

  • More learning and experimentation with my camera

  • Grants, scholarships, etc.
  • Curation
  • Finish archiving my Mom’s work Find artists and or galleries in Santa Fe
  • Start filming for the Documentary or small shorts regarding 
her life
  • 
Reconnect with family and let go of any pain from the past (partially done)

  • Connect with friends I already have and make them a 
priority 

  • Make a legitimate plan for the land I own – kinda… 
  • Spend more time down in Lincoln County
  • Travel!
  • 
Get passport
  • Visit family & friends
  • 
Go to at least one new place we have never been before!
  • Research going back to school to finish BA
  • 
Research learning more about Environmental Sciences
  • 
Books – Continue to read and research and get rid of any books 
I don’t need to keep. 

  • Clean up and Organize! 
Continue and complete the project of simplifying my life.
  • Keep things organized and clean.
  • 
Go to at least one great concert in the coming year – Several!

Wow….. I had told myself in 2016 when I made this contract with myself.. that “If I accomplish 50% I will be happy, if I can do 100% I will be ecstatic!”
I have clearly done about 75% of what I set out to do. A lot of the goals changed or went away… but for the most part, I did what I set out to do. I should feel accomplished and happy with my progress. And now that I am at peace with my entire being.. I can move forward.

So my contract with myself for 2018 is to continue the change and up the ante on every level.

In the Next Year I want to:

  • Save up money
  • Get a raise and/ or start producing film so I can move towards my true calling 
- Unknown-1writer/ filmmaker
  • Go out at least one day a week (music/ art galleries/ events, gatherings, etc.)
  • 
Get into a real/ right relationship
  • Get fit and run at least a 5 k if not more; Lose more weight/ gain muscle & become a svelte athlete
  • Meet musicians for collaborations
  • 
Make Huge Moves in my Career 
Work on film productions
/ and music videos for rock or punk bands.
  • Network and continue to move forward
  • 
Keep Wickedly Driven Media my home base, but expand to make productions their own LLC’s
  • 
Continue a Blog on Wickedly Driven Media
  • 
Start a vlog! (for networking)
  • Have at least 6 creative days a week – Write and film
  • Finish Echo and get funding for its production/ find producers to collaborate with.
  • 
Turn Karmic Outlaw into a feature film script, and produce the short version!
  • 
Get work into more publications etc.
  • Finish short story compilation regarding loss
  • 
Publish the first book of Novel Series based on research for Ruffian
  • 
Keep connections with networking assets for future endeavors
  • More learning and experimentation with my camera
Research
  • Film Grants and submit applications!
  • Finish archiving my Mom’s, look for a gallery for her
  • Start filming for the Documentary or small shorts regarding 
her life
  • Start filming and producing short documentaries in conjunction with Echo and Ruffian projects. 
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  • Start concepts and treatments for other projects
  • Make a legitimate plan for the land I own
  • Spend more time down in Lincoln County
  • Travel!
  • 
Get passport
  • Visit family & friends
  • 
Minimize more!
  • 
Go to at least one great concert in the coming year ( hopefully several!!!!!)
  • 
Reconnect with past ‘pals’ so that part of myself can be at peace.images
  • 
Start new hobby (I already have something in mind)
  • Be happy where I am so I don’t miss what is going on around me.
  • Self care

 

And it all starts NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Written by Sophia Bungay/ DR.  Copyright @wickedlydrivenmedia2017

False Evidence Appearing Real

So I had a revelation these past few weeks. Two things that I was absolutely terrified to do came up in my life. And instead of running away and hiding under my covers with my cats.. I faced the issues head on.

 

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The first was my film career. I have always wanted to pursue this. As I grew up in the art world, but surrounded by Hollywood it beconed to me. But after several productions of working like a dog for other peoples ideals and projects I didn’t think the worker bee type mentality was for me. Faced with this problem I began writing. Now I had been told throughout my childhood that I had a gift for writing.. so that’s what I wanted to pursue.. And then my Mom died and everything frivolous went out the window in my mind. I couldn’t think of anything that silly as wanting to be in the ‘industry.’

It has taken years, but I have healed somewhat, and my desire to be part of that far reaching medium came rushing back to me. So I went back to school, started writing and producing, and started this blog and other content you see on this website.

I went to various seminars, gatherings, networking events etc,… and they all provided me with some information. But the main thing was it was the same info, with no traction, no momentum.

So I was a bit reluctant to go to a producers workshop last month, even though I had heard rave reviews. In fact I kept trying to get out of it after I made the reservation. So I made a bargain with myself. If the information he gave was the same old stuff I had been hearing for years, and if there was no jolt of electricity in this workshop to get my butt moving on my passion.. then I would give it up. Toss all my books, write novels or short stories for the screenplays and films I had in my head, and get on with my life.

So sure I was on this bet and so adamant that I would stick to the result that I was sick to my stomach the night before, didn’t sleep at all and was way too early to the event.

Unknown-1Luckily for my passion, this workshop gave me sparklers, electricity and fire to my butt and my passion lives. He even started the workshop by asking why we haven’t made features yet.. was fear one of the reasons… I nearly broke down into tears!

I am now convinced I can do this.. and even more so convinced I can do this and make a living solely off of this. So it begins! The world is wide open, I have been getting a lot of creative momentum going at the same time that I am minimizing.. which makes for amazing energy cycles.. and I am raring to go. I have a plan for next year and am excited about the prospects all this will bring. Already I have seen changes in my life!

( I should and will write a review about this workshop shortly.)

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The next thing is that I am terrified of doctors and dentists. And for a year and a half I found out something had to be done with my jaw and teeth and I was freaking out… yes… for a year and a half. What was I afraid of? Pain, anxiety of the pain, loss of teeth, loss of jaw bone, loss of self esteem, loss of self…. ?!

So much so I let it go to the point something had to be done asap. So I made the arrangements and last week went into dental surgery…. Um… what the heal was that mountain of fear for? The mole hill was a completely numbed side of my face and weird noises, which I stemmed with turning Jack White louder and louder in my ear buds to calm my nerves. I had high blood pressure going in.. 124/94 and coming out of it… 117/74. Calmness and reassurance that his burly bear of a dentist knew what he was doing and his confidence helped me. Sure when I went home to recuperate there was some pain, but not at all what I had been expecting.. So that is one FEAR episode that I will not let happen ever again… Wow…

(I should write a review of them also, and will do so soon).

UnknownSo what does all this mean? That FEAR is absolutely what it is says…. False Evidence Appearing Real. Both of these huge mountains I went over were slight bumps in my road. A road that now has better health and an outlet for my passion for film and media. I have been biting smaller bullets and getting minimizing down to an art form at home, and not being afraid to be me.. my true self. What does that mean? Head shots, things accomplished, things gained.. and a whole new perspective on the world.

Don’t let fear.. keep you from doing the things you should do, or are meant to do… life is too short for that nonsense.

by Sophia Bungay  @wickedlydrivenmedia.com October 12,2017

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The New Pathway

A Continuation of a Personal Journey…

I took a little time off from work to figure some things out and to have some experiences. As I let go of things with the minimizing efforts, I am starting to collect experiences. Experiences and memory are all we can really take with us, and I have fully enjoyed the recent adventures I have taken. I was lucky to go to two concerts in one week. I was exhausted for the rest of the week but it was well worth it.

The first one was Pat Benatar and Neil Giraldo, with Toto opening. It was fun, relaxing, and she still has her amazing voice. This was the planned one, down to the travel time, concert t-shirt buying, and everything surrounding it. We had a blast! There was a latina dancing gal, complete with full skirt and barefoot, dancing up and down the aisle. At one point she grabbed my hand and I ended up dancing with her, her twirling me around and I was just trying to keep up. She even was amazed by my dancing skills. All was good,… until she wouldn’t let go of my hand.. but she eventually let go.. and oddly disappeared.
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So this past weekend we heard Green Day was coming to town. We didn’t have tickets so didn’t think about it… until a co-worker mentioned she was selling her two seats, the day of the concert! So we got off work, and travelled down to get there just in time to truly enjoy two and half hours of bouncing up and down with my hands in the air, screaming to the point of losing my voice, and … getting yet another concert t. Amazing concert, best entertaining concert I had ever experienced.

So onto the path… I have been working on the treatment for Echo, a feature that I have teased on here with diary excerpts and a trailer. It is coming together, but its not quite there yet. But during the Pat Benatar concert, in the middle of a song I had a complete realization of what the ending would be. I knew it deep in my soul, and it was deeper then just finishing a story.. it was so personal and so real that I started crying. Relief and yet joy in the fact that I figured out the ending to an incredible story. So the weekend between the concerts I actually finished the first draft of the treatment. Progress…

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But I have always wanted to do much more then Echo, film, or writing even… and so during the Green Day concert I had an epiphany. A deep soul changing, heart pounding, infused a little panic as the rock music engulfed all my senses. I know what I want to focus on, where I want to go… I’m just not sure how to get there. But we trudge along. So I go back to work and I got two validations from two separate strangers that this is the path I should follow… come hell or high water. If this path opens up as easily as the first three steps have been… so be it.. I’m in! That night when I got home my new business cards, as well as some equipment I’ve been needing for my project arrived… which also calls for a continuation down this road…

The people around me in my daily life are enthusiastic for me.. want to see how this journey pans out, where it leads.. and a little worried I will leave them; I assured them it won’t happen for awhile.. that I have a lot of steps to get there… or do I? I mean how do these things happen? How do these life long dreams, and life changing moments actually happen.. like this path opened up? Is it really that easy?! (I know there is hard work involved,.. but I am beyond ready for it and am already in the thick of it.. so more hard work, networking, connections, moving forward in preparation…. bring it on!!!!)

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to be continued… naturally.

Written by Sophia Bungay  @Wickedlydrivenmedia@2017

 

Where We Belong

UnknownA Personal Journey Blog

From time to time I will ponder location and how it relates to storyline, process, and where we fit in. I know I am on a journey called ‘life,’ and not knowing exactly how I got to a locale I am trusting the process. I have been nomadic for quite some time now.              It all started when I was little and my family would travel to the deep south for holidays, spent six months living in the islands, and to the Southwest on an adventure to the unknown. Because of some rather intense experiences into the unknown I moved there in search of myself. I succeeded in that endeavor for the most part, gained knowledge of the world, found good friends, and solidified my sense of adventure. But it wasn’t until I returned to the West Coast where my strength was born, out of the lost of the most influential person in my life. That was the starter pistol in my new life, a marathon that I’m still running in some respects.
I gained this strength then, but didn’t know how to use it. So, fumbling off the starter block and I ran away, knowing if I stayed I would be destroyed. I ran away to the frozen tundra North, still blinded by grief and relying on my inner self I still wasn’t sure of. I definitely tripped and feel quite a few times, learning I could no longer rely on other people; that the only person I could lean on was myself.
But, with this strength was the ability to see beyond the routine in life, and see past the mortal coil. I also found some great friends to share these experiences with, for a short or long term, depending on their own journey. I went deeper then ever before in belief faith, trust, and meditation, and came out of it even stronger. Through the process I found a bff and some cohorts who were going through something similar. And because of all this, I ended up moving from the Northern plain, to the deepest South.
The locale didn’t last and was quite brief, but it was a dizzying maze of realizations for me. I know then what I didn’t want, connected with myself on a much deeper level, and found my bearings; and it wasn’t across the border in Mexico. As my ride or die left for the west coast, I vowed to live a better fulfilled life and to heal from the starter gun trauma that had chased me from my path. And as we left, the other people in South Texas evolved to, and blew apart, on their own journey. We wouldn’t meet up for quite some time. This journey my life took wasn’t as blatant as a sixties psychedelic journey, but it had nearly the same impact on how I saw the world and myself in it.
So I returned home with my ride or die and I began the healing process from the loss that had me run away. And, working my way on the other side of it, I found myself on the same road I had started out on years ago. But I was different now; no longer obsessed with the superficial and silliness, which had defined my goals in the past, I could pursue what I had intended all along; needing something deeper and much more meaningful. So, after a few more stumbles, we left for the only place that made logical sense: the beginning, where I had started out before.. in the familiar unknown, the Southwest.
There I have stayed, collecting myself, strengthening my resolve and having many adventures. The heart occasionally tries to reach out for antoher, but only to be pushed aside, or used in some way. My road was twisting and turning even here, resembling a rollercoaster at times. But through it all I now know what I want and the road, currently, is laid out before me.
I had started this entry from a writing prompt, a postcard of where I would want to live at some point. I was saving it for a dream board, but my minimized sense of things makes that seem like a waste of time. I know what I want and am working towards it now. How it may look when I get there may change, as well as who I am with because my heart cannot stop hoping. But if life is a journey and the only thing we can control is the process then I have been on the right track all along, even when I lost my map.

Written by Sophia Bungay @Wickedlydrivenmedia 2017

A Legacy to Continue

(This Blog entry is a mess, as my thoughts are… and I apologize) 

There have been good things and bad things about this year, but something that will never change is the fact that my Mom is not here to witness it or be a part of it. I gained a new position in the company I work for; but I know it that isn’t where I belong and I know I have to keep moving forward.

I have started moving forward in other aspects of my life. Minimizing is a huge part of it, getting rid of things I have been burdened with because of the emotional memory of the thing, or because I thought I needed it for some reason, and now its just a useless object. I have gotten healthier, more vibrant, and seeing things for the way they are, not the way I feared or even hoped them to be.
But the ever present thing in the back of my mind is the Legacy I was born with. The time has come to embrace it. This week, on Sunday, marks the very day that it became my responsibility. This Sunday, August 13, 1995, 22 years ago, my Mom died from cancer in our home in Los Angeles. She was a prolific artist, mentor, and Goddess to me. I would call her perfect and she would get angry. She didn’t think she was perfect, and perhaps she wasn’t. Things are a lot clearer now looking at it from afar. But she was my world.
And when she died I really didn’t think I would go on. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Certainly the frivolousness of the film industry I so wanted to be a part of didn’t matter any longer.

I lost a lot of ‘friends’ then, but then again.. were they really friends or were they just there out of convenience. If they couldn’t see me through the devastation of my entire world, they weren’t there in the same capacity they pretended to be. The ones that have stayed true, are true friends, and I appreciate each and every one of them, because I know they are genuine. And the other? Doesn’t matter now, does it.
My family has gone through devastation this year; it has been another rough one. But maybe that is what is making things so clear to me, what I need to work towards. The minimizing is just a part of it. The creation of new things for the legacy is what is next. I have a need to create something more, something new, different. The anniversary has made the work abundantly clear to me.. and I cannot wait to get film shot, paint under my nails, and other people onboard to bring this to the forefront. In the meantime I will remain vague on what I am doing, but it won’t be long before this website sees some new content happening.

So, as I work on things this weekend, and take some personal time to acknowledge the loss, and heal myself, and to even post such a messy blog.. there will be a move forward, however slight it may be.

Stay tuned…..

Minimizing: A Journey Through the Struggle of Letting Go.

When I was a little girl my Mom kept things very neat and tidy. She would ‘clean’ my room from time to time, with my help, and oddly enough the things I didn’t play with anymore, wear, or use, would just disappear. I usually didn’t miss the stuff at all. It was when I was older that I had the heart wrenching realization that the stuff that I didn’t notice was being bagged up and donated to people who could use these items. I got used to the idea and it seemed okay, but from time to time when I would outgrow items I loved it would be very hard to let go. UnknownI remember quite distinctly my little yellow scooter being given away. I had outgrown the thing really, but the amount of mini adventures I had had on it, the fun I remembered, really tugged at my heart. But I was too old and too tall to use it and not look completely ridiculous. So the to, went to someone, a little child, who would get just as much joy out of it that I had had with it.

As I grew up I learned to give things up I was no longer using and to move forward in life with the things I did cherish and love. I loved all my things and would acquire more, but for more specific reasons. Never being a shop-a-holic I couldn’t imagine having too much stuff, but I had a nice closet full of close, and anything I think I ‘needed.’ The line between want/ need was non existent and I just didn’t think about it.

As a grown up I went through a lot of family loss. My Mom died from cancer when I was twenty-six. I suddenly was clinging to all my Mom’s possessions like they were the last bit of her, savoring every memory of her wearing a sweater, or a shoe that wasn’t my size. Because they were hers! The idea of getting rid of anything of hers was absolutely never going to happen. I had to cling to what she used because she was gone. My Mom, the one person that it still pains me in memory every waking day. My Dad tried to pack things up, but I wouldn’t allow him to throw anything away at first. And was jealous and a little angry when he took her watercolors. Yes, he was an artist and would use them far more then I would, but they were HERS!
Then I went through the rational that I would do something with all of her things.. I would make pillows out of her sweaters, or quilts, or something. I would wear everything else I could to be closer to her on some level. So then I moved away from my home town, and somewhere along the line my Dad gave me an ultimatum. That all of her things that I wanted to keep had to go with me. Not a problem! I rented a moving truck and moved it all, sticking all of her things, all of my things and all of my roommates things in a small two bedroom apartments in various states as we traveled nomadically. But I was carrying my burden with me, but at the time I didn’t recognize this at all.

We finally settled for a time in New Mexico and rented out a storage locker for what we couldn’t fit in the rental we had. By now everything was in boxes and I was always planning on going through these things, someday. images-1

Then both sets of Grandparents died and I acquired furniture from the house in California and a lot of stuff from the house in New Orleans. Again, I would see these things and happy memories would flood my brain.. I would think ‘this vase was in the room when we had Christmas dinner.’ This knick knack always sat there and I would see it when I visited. So all these things had to be kept.. forever! To rid myself of these tactile memories was a must.

I have gone through some healing and some growth since then.. In the recent years I slowly did go through those boxes, but still had to drag 90% of it with me. The townhouse garage was filled 100% with these things. And occasionally I would go through a box. Time had taken away a lot of the pain and it wasn’t so difficult to toss things. Then suddenly tiny houses were coming into the spot light. We would watch Tiny House Nation for hours, reveling in these people giving everything up and moving into tiny 300 ft or less homes and living without debt or other mundane problems. That sounded absolutely wonderful, and the technical innovations of these lovely spaces made me dream of a life where I could do that. But when would that ever happen? I had an entire garage and a townhouse of things that I couldn’t possibly get rid of. I had to be the keeper of the memories! I continued with my slow progress, but was able to speed up a little bit, with the hopes of a different future.

p12124131_p_v7_aaThen I found the documentary Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things. This film changed my perception of things vs. memories. They suggested taking photos of the stuff and letting go whatever did not serve you. To live simply and to experience things instead of buying stuff. I was hooked! I started listening to the podcast that the minimalist put out and really feeling different about ‘things.’

Since this epiphany I have spent this summer getting rid of so much stuff! The Donations I made were truck loads, and we had an intensely satisfying garage sale a few weekends ago where a lot of stuff was taken. imagesI would feel this surge in my gut when I would see something be taken away by a stranger; a wonderful warm healing feeling that this was the best thing to do, and it couldn’t get any better. What we didn’t sell we donated. We are now able to open the garage door all the way to let in light and air, and my roommate is also minimizing.. something I didn’t force her to do, or expect her to want to do.. but she is feeling good about it to. Its amazing how cleansing it is to let go of things. I only have a few boxes to go through now, and then two trunks full of stuff.. but I am feeling as if I have just climbed a mountain and healed a lot from grief, and loss, and the fears I had. And the memories? They are still there, in my heart and in my head, forever more.

I am going through my stuff in the house that I use daily, and pairing that even further down now to. If I don’t use it in 90 days, do I really need it? I want to live within my means, no longer burdened with things, and everything having a purpose. The experiences of life is what I want my baggage to be..

The next step…. I started looking at local companies that build tiny houses.. Then what? Get off the hamster wheel of paychecks and debt, save up some more green, and do what my passions are? Travel? Make films? Who knows.. at this point the sky is the limit; and this winter I may be able to park my car in the garage.

Written by: Sophia Bungay @ August 2017 wickedlydrivenmedia.com