Or caterpillar turning into butterfly
All living things have to continue to change and evolve. To accept the constant state of flux that we are all a part of. That is life, that is what it means to be alive. Evolve or Die. I want to LIVE!
So this past fall I had the inspiring trip to the East that told me what I need to do and where I need to be. There, my heart soared for the first time in years, and I had come out of a deep fog and some quick sand to find community, creativity and true life! I wept when I came back to the quicksand, finding myself back in a hostile drought ridden and bleak environment. The southwest that used to be so beautiful to me now seemed desolate and horrible.
This past winter I had to mentally curl up into a cocoon and mentally work through what my heart and head were saying. I thought life was desolate and cold. Honestly stuck in a desert without true trustworthy friends, a very harsh and wishy washy professional community, and tired of the culture and cuisine, I really was at my end. I didn’t want to continue to attempt to be a part of this place anymore. But the trip opened my eyes to the fact it was the environment and community surrounding me that was the problem. If I could simply leave it behind I would be much better off. Every morning for four months I would wake up with the need to get the F@#$ out of here. Its a driving force but also quite depressing.
There are creatives here that mean well, but the culture refuses to allow it to grow, or evolve the way it should. Without true friendship except for the one that came with me, and no love possibilities, no joy, no hope. Even ‘friends’ here, who mean well but don’t know me really and haven’t given the time to find out who I am, are only giving me opportunities that would just keep me in the same stasis and not move me forward.
I can no longer be here. I am surrounded by my pasts past, and need to shake free from it.
So spring has sprung (although someone needs to tell the weather) and I find myself driven to succeed and inspired by the community and social media I am finding from that lovely city I fell for so deeply. All arrows are pointing to me getting out of here and moving forward.
I am wondering how much of my family will read this.. I really do not care anymore. We have become so distant that it doesn’t matter. They are in their own lives and do not know how I feel or what is happening to me and I almost do not want to even try to get their attention anymore. They do not know of my upcoming changes, or the fact that every day I look at my tattoo that I got on that glorious trip, and am reminded of who I am and where I am headed. (curious to see if I will hear from any of them after I wrote that. ha). My Dad knows of my aspirations and he wants me to go forward. But he doesn’t know of my personal changes or even the fact that I have cats!? I mean, I can’t communicate fully with any of them. Its sad and I think my Mom would weep if she knew what has become of the family that once was. Or maybe she wouldn’t. She probably saw this happening in the future as she herself had left them behind, trying to extricate herself from the culture she had grown up in. And my Dads side…. don’t get me started. I have given up on them completely.. We live only a few hours away but worlds apart.
So this dream, this aspiration.. “never wait for the opportunity, create it” was just said on the radio I’m listening to.. damn… JW inspires every moment of my life, even the little things that I am exposed to because of him. I honestly owe him my life, or lives.. but that is a whole other story.. let me know if you want to hear it. Nothing is off limits. I may even tell you my deep dark.
So today, I am here, in my rental in the desolate place of quicksand. And I am listening to friends on social media, getting more and more inspired. More and more of my friends from the west are also moving to the east, which is wonderful! I feel, once we are all there, we can meet up and connect and have community again! Maybe it’s a metaphysical shift on the world.. but I am looking forward to the future.
Knowing that I am missing out on a huge festival this weekend in my soon to be new home.. but knowing that it has to be that way for now. In order to get there I need to focus on projects and the present to get to the future. I know I will be watching that event(s) unfold this weekend and I am dreading feeling the jealousy rise in my throat to the point I want to hurl.. and loving all of them for having that experience and for the force that is III and all that it represents.
But throughout all this, including the constant changes that I am experiencing even at this very moment, I know my trajectory and I am thrilled and very ready. Speed bumps, already had them.. ready to deal with more as things continue to unfold. I am ready to be a butterfly.
I am a reincarnated filmmaker/ writer/ artist daughter/ adventurer, and I will succeed.
by Sophia Bungay @wickedlydrivenmedia2019