Fragility

May 6, 2021

The sudden loss of a friend this month has truly made me stumble in my efforts. We had planned a reunion this weekend, after all of us had been fully vaccinated. And we were especially looking forward to spending time together and catching up with everything. It had been over a year due to the pandemic. There was so much we wanted to share over a good meal and a bottle of wine, which was our tradition for years; dinner parties and catching up and a movie or something fun to watch after.

We had met in another time, when she was belly dancing with a local troupe here. We hit it off on the Motherless connection, but we had a lot of common interests (love of cats and good music, etc). At first she seemed fearless and I suppose on some level she was. She could belly dance in front of a crowd looking full of confidence, flirt with men on a whim, or help a friend in need after a disaster of a night at the bars. But, there were times when she wasn’t fearless, disappearing into her apartment with her dogs, and later a cat, to sleep and deal with her demons. I am unsure what her demons were, as she was not as forthcoming with her struggles as we were with ours. Depression was part of it, and whatever she was prescribed made her constantly forget things. Things we had told her, plans we had made, etc. This continued the entire time we knew her.

She would rarely take us up on invites for road trips, concerts, or adventures, sighting money issues. We did have one trip with her up to Pagosa Springs, but after a little time she acted out. She was not one to be a part of a group for long. And maybe that was why she burned so many bridges and had so few friends left at the end…

We also tried to help her get tech savvy to get better work, but she never took that step. I blame her medication for that too.

She was a lovely person with a lot of karma she was working on. She kept burning bridges to us but we kept repairing them, knowing it might not last long but kept up the that it would.

Regardless of all these negatives there were some great times, and we both contributed to each other’s lives. She gave us the connection to the townhouse we have been renting and enjoying for 6 yrs. A townhome she lived in with her Mom and then by herself, and her two german shepherds. I can’t help but feel her presence in some ways all over this place, which could be why this is hitting me so hard. We plan to move on and have to hoped to see her in the future..

She was not alone, which I feel very grateful that we were able to help with that. When she lost her dogs and moved from a bad situation into a new start in the North side of town she wanted a cat. She saw a our sweet girls and had gone to shelters a time or two but hadn’t met the one.

Knowing felines as we do the owner of the barn I was boarding my horse with called when she had a feral cat in their feed room. We went up to the barn to help, and found not a bobcat but a scared orange and white cat, scared out of her wits. Her previous owner had a dog that took precedence in the house. So they had dropped off the cat at the barn to be a barn cat/ mouser. But this cat wanted nothing to do with that life. We took the orange tabby home, but out cats wanted to kill her. It is one thing to bring in a kitten but a full grown cat was another thing entirely.

Knowing that my friend had wanted a companion I called her up and she came right over, named the cat Molly, and within a few days they were perfectly happy with each other and truly flourished. They needed each other and had six long years together.

Something keeps bugging me about the way things happened was months ago I had asked to exchange keys and info in case of an emergency. If that would of happened I would of known when all this happened, be able to help with the cat and everything.. Instead I was an after thought.. When she didn’t return a call for three weeks I called her phone to find it disconnected. Calling her work I found out the she had passed away three weeks. Were we not her friends?! Before I had been her emergency contact but now, nothing… I am hurt by that.

Her Dad came and got the body and all her things, the cat was either taken by someone who wanted her, or given to a no kill animal shelter (so I have decided not to dig deeper into that). We cannot take Molly anyway and i hope she gets a new life and a new family the will last this go round; and they were there for each other when they both needed a safe harbor.

Her departure is still thrown me into shock. I am surrounded by her memory. But she is gone. Her stuff is packed and/or donated, her cat is no longer hers, and she no longer exists. There is no wake or memorial planned, and a quiet little memorial you have to search online for, without details or love.

I know she was here, that she had a life, that she existed, loved, laughed, had good times and bad.. But the only thing she left this world is a few broken hearts from her passing.

That to me can only be the worst possible outcome to a life lived.

So, I am giving myself a little time to heal and then it is on.. I have so much to do. Time is short and I want to live and have adventures, eat good food, and live life for her, for everyone we have lost.

Life is to short. And if you’re stuck in a rut, that rut can last a lifetime. I am heeding Jen’s warning..

RIP Jen B.