Surreal

May 16, 2025

My entire world has flipped on its axis to be honest. It looks like I took a year and a half off this blog. I honestly didn’t know it was that long. But after getting a double dose of cancer I needed time to heal. I haven’t been posting except for an occasional facebook post and what not. But physically I was too drained to care about too much of that. I feel like I disappeared on you, and I didn’t mean to. Those of you who knew what I was fighting will understand the reason to pull back and disappeared.

I needed the time to let my body heal and get around the momentous task of acknowledging that I was sick and needed to really take that seriously. And I didn’t plan it, but thats exactly what happened. I spent a lot of time in my bed under my cats and trying to come to terms with everything. I haven’t traveled during this time and missed quite a few events I would of liked to go to. But timing is everything. 

A few of you saw me during this time but it was few and far between, my constant companion T helped when things got rough, and the work crowd is so supportive and loving, I feel blessed to have them in my life. 

But, I guess I can officially say I’m back and better than I was. 

What a strange world I live in. At least my reality is a lot deeper, intense, at times convoluted, than others stuck in the mundane, as I look for the right way to go. Cancer is ‘stable’, and my book is coming out of me easily. I have more books to write, a screenplay, and a short, and it’s all coming together. I need to add some art with it as well, maybe inspired by the core project.

But as I was busy the last year and a half, beating breast cancer and becoming stable in my ALK+ lung cancer, the world had turned on its axis. I was aware that things were changing for others, but in my medicated dream state I never knew these things that are happening could happen to me. I honestly thought I had left that euphoric time in my life when I was able to create at all, or be a part of something bigger than myself. Excepting the reality of the moment I let all of that go in order to heal, and I think I’ve done that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not over, not by a long shot. I still have a lot of healing and strengthening to do. But the worst of it feels like it could be behind me. 

Religious meditations on God and spiritual practitioners helped me see a possibility in the stars when I only saw the love my cats and daydreams of what could have been. 

But as I woke to a world in which I was reunited with my Godfather, who I thought, who everyone thought, was dead… and reconnected with a good friend from college. These things were ruminating in my head as I rested and dreamt, wondering what I had done to be so alone.. 

Regardless of the future I’m happy to connect with people that understand who I am, and see me.. including filmmakers who have been in the trenches side by side me when I thought I had been isolated.

So as my journey continues I will be writing and publishing more, finishing my debut novel, doing art and a short in conjunction with the concept and I don’t know.. Become the it girl for Reincarnation? Who knows.. But I feel good, am looking forward to finishing the book and getting other projects off the ground, getting my vlog regarding cancer up and out to the masses, and finishing a catio for the summer. 

I hope to post once a month here on the blog, not including more art, films, shorts, and thoughts from me. So… I hope you if you stuck around this long you’ll enjoy the hiatus ending.