Dysphoria

I have been told that I am taking this all in stride. Really I am just dealing with it the only way I know how. Maybe it was going through the loss and grief of losing my Mom to cancer when I was young, that made me this tough and resilient. Nevertheless I am happy that it is my super power.

Cancer update.. I had to have a lumpectomy and a lift on my breasts. A mastectomy was talked about but not settled on, thankfully. We set the whole thing up, with food I could eat with ease, and we got a friend to drive me home, and set the whole thing up. The day of the surgery I was nervous, but at that point I just wanted to get it over with. There was a lump in my left breast that was driving me batty and I didn’t want to touch it or think of it any longer.

My friend dropped me off but had to get to work so I was left for a little while on my own, which was fine. They prepped me, the plastic surgeon came in and drew all over me, and then left to do other things and I lay there thinking about my life and how it had come to this. That was when I knew I wasn’t alone. I hadn’t seen my Mom in years, but her spirit was in the room with me. She wore her leather blazer and her turquoise, and sending me love and calm. This was not a memory, in fact I didn’t recognize the shirt she was wearing. And she floated around the room out of my peripheral vision. She thought that my decision not to tell a certain family member was okay, that he had lost that right when he didn’t keep up the relationship with me. And she told me that I would live long after this, and be able to do more with my life, to be able to create and love and have adventures. And to get her work out to the masses which I have been wanting to do. She said she would stay with me for the surgery.

They came for me and wheeled me out and I felt her presence in the hallway. I was brought into the room and they introduced the assistants, and then they knocked me out with something in my i.v. and I was out.. the next thing I know I am being woken up by people in blue scrubs in my recovery room, telling me my friends were there for me and they would get them shortly. They were able to show my friend Teresa how to change my dressings, and I was out of it but understood what was going on around me. Apparently the surgery had gone very well. I was dressed with assistance and we were able to leave, this time me in a wheel chair. I am thankful for my friends that are my family, for getting me through this time.

Teresa, my friend and roommate, was able to get soup for me that first night and by the second day she took off a day from work to make sure I was recovering. She made pasta sauce with my instructions and it was really good. We have been eating it for the past week and finished it the other day. I’ve been slowly recovering. I no longer have bandages on my chest and am off the pain killers.

The post op appointments went well. I found myself being able to drive again, and I have my freedom back which I am very happy to have. The plastic surgeon joked about super glue being involved in the surgery.. so now I’m some sort of craft project.. And the Breast surgeon mentioned still wanting a mastectomy. That really freaked me out, and after my first shower in a week that I was finally able to enjoy, I called my oncologist, who totally relieved my fears. He said radiation is the way we will go, and that everything is going the way he would want to see it go. Whew.

Emotionally this has been a roller coaster ride. From dealing with my body being cut open and jarred, to the slow recovery of things. I had never thought about surgery but it takes a lot out of you. The emotional and mental toll that this has taken hit me hard this past week. I had several nights that I couldn’t sleep and had to deal with some demons. Only to wake up in the morning and not recognize my own body. I am happy with how my breasts are healing and they way they will look. But I miss my old self, the one I immediately recogmized. Its so strange to not feel that your in your own body..

Today was much better and I think I am getting through this part of the healing process. I slept well, was able to dress and do errands and function at work. I even have some creative projects I want to start and am excited to do so. So there will be more posts, less medical and hard, but interesting things coming here soon. At the same time, sharing all this with you is helping me process what is happening, so I hope you are enjoying reading this or at least getting something out of it.

~Sophie B. 10/2022