Muted

I feel as if I have lost my voice; completely, utterly. I was doing well this past month, dealing with a shock and a realization of things to come. Knowing I could move on and that the time has come was unsettling but also liberating. I welcomed it as I let the fear wash over me and turn into excitement and inspiration. I made strides to embrace these changes and was ready to face whatever came. 

These changes I want to make have come after a long time of wanting something new, yearning for a new place to call home, and dreaming of the ‘someday’. During this time in which a pandemic made the months go by like molasses, I lost the only friends I had ever truly made here (due to death and moving themselves), making me feel as if I was an outcast, destined to not be invited anywhere or given the slightest care. The desert is a harsh environment, and if you do not have the same outlook on life, or the same addictions, it’s easy to get trapped in a lifeless friendless place. Perhaps this was karma from the past, but I want to leave these things behind, and in so doing, if I have to, leave that part of me behind that created this situation to begin with. 

But then, in a fast-paced environment at work, dealing with selling off furniture for a move, and trying to get my creative voices going again, on top of working freelance for several local businesses and looking for work in a completely new city; all while envisioning a completely new me in a completely new environment. A tidal wave of work/ b.s. from others and how they see things, etc… washed over me, taking with it, my voice. My own desires as an individual got lost in everyone else’s needs. No one cared how I feel or what I want out of life. They only want to use me to their own end. Even my closest friend is muted her understanding of the stress I am under. At this point I don’t even see the future life I want coming true. 

All these things have drowned me in stress, and I have had to stop this pace, if to save my own sanity. Because of what I have been doing I now have an infection in my jaw. It is more than likely related to all the other medical issues I have had due to allergies, the smoke from the constant western fires and the high elevation I am currently situated in. but this has added issue has taken its toll on me. I fall asleep exhausted at the oddest times, and wake up shivering with lethargy, with two worried kittens moving over me sniffing to see if I’m okay. My brain does not want to function except at the most simplest of tasks, but even getting myself moving to do them is a struggle. I woke up this morning in pain from sleeping so hard the hours before, and my ribs and shoulder in agony. But still, I get up to continue on with the things that I need to do, even if I was a little delayed. The one thing that has helped is going back to a completely vegan diet, which, finally, has put my stomach and body at ease on that level.

Because of all of this, I don’t know if I can continue writing, filming, or pursuing a life that I have wanted in the south. I so desperately wanted this move to take place, to purge myself of all the burdens of where I find myself now; but it means adding more pressure to myself I cannot deal with, let alone process. The creative side of me is silent now, unable to be witty and charming on videos, create art and photography, work with things I know I need to do; and having a clear goal on my path, plus maintain a life where I am not burdening anyone else with my issues. Impossible. (although I realize now that writing is possible.. look at all the words I am using to express my plight. The slightest bit of hope.. and I will embrace it.)

Everyone, please back off. Now, to get my own mind to back off, so it can let me be at peace for a moment; to find my own way. I need to heal, to rest, to get these infectious patterns out of my own head so my skin will stop crawling. I need to feel healthy again, to be able to breathe deeply, to inhale/ exhale, and to be able to do the simplest tasks without thinking I am going to pass out from the effort. 

Once that is achieved, maybe I can see what I want for myself. Part of me wants the breaths and vibrancy of the city, pursuing my dreams of creating vibrant art with others and tasting the sweet nectar out of every moment there; while the other part… my exhausted body and old soul, is yearning for the sweet sound of the ocean current breaking on the beach, lullaby rocking me to sleep and waking me in the morning with a fresh brewed coffee and a book ready to be written. Do I have to wait for that outcome, or can I pursue that now? 

The future is on the horizon, I can see it looming large and ominous. And I cannot fight the undercurrent but must swim towards it, brave and ready to embrace what is next. 

SB@2021