Evolve or Die

Or caterpillar turning into butterfly 

All living things have to continue to change and evolve. To accept the constant state of flux that we are all a part of. That is life, that is what it means to be alive. Evolve or Die. I want to LIVE! 

So this past fall I had the inspiring trip to the East that told me what I need to do and where I need to be. There, my heart soared for the first time in years, and I had come out of a deep fog and some quick sand to find community, creativity and true life! I wept when I came back to the quicksand, finding myself back in a hostile drought ridden and bleak environment. The southwest that used to be so beautiful to me now seemed desolate and horrible. 

This past winter I had to mentally curl up into a cocoon and mentally work through what my heart and head were saying.  I thought life was desolate and cold. Honestly stuck in a desert without true trustworthy friends, a very harsh and wishy washy professional community, and tired of the culture and cuisine, I really was at my end. I didn’t want to continue to attempt to be a part of this place anymore. But the trip opened my eyes to the fact it was the environment and community surrounding me that was the problem. If I could simply leave it behind I would be much better off. Every morning for four months I would wake up with the need to get the F@#$ out of here. Its a driving force but also quite depressing. 

There are creatives here that mean well, but the culture refuses to allow it to grow, or evolve the way it should. Without true friendship except for the one that came with me, and no love possibilities, no joy, no hope. Even ‘friends’ here, who mean well but don’t know me really and haven’t given the time to find out who I am, are only giving me opportunities that would just keep me in the same stasis and not move me forward.     

 I can no longer be here. I am surrounded by my pasts past, and need to shake free from it. 

So spring has sprung (although someone needs to tell the weather) and I find myself driven to succeed and inspired by the community and social media I am finding from that lovely city I fell for so deeply. All arrows are pointing to me getting out of here and moving forward. 

I am wondering how much of my family will read this.. I really do not care anymore. We have become so distant that it doesn’t matter. They are in their own lives and do not know how I feel or what is happening to me and I almost do not want to even try to get their attention anymore. They do not know of my upcoming changes, or the fact that every day I look at my tattoo that I got on that glorious trip, and am reminded of who I am and where I am headed. (curious to see if I will hear from any of them after I wrote that. ha). My Dad knows of my aspirations and he wants me to go forward. But he doesn’t know of my personal changes or even the fact that I have cats!? I mean, I can’t communicate fully with any of them. Its sad and I think my Mom would weep if she knew what has become of the family that once was. Or maybe she wouldn’t. She probably saw this happening in the future as she herself had left them behind, trying to extricate herself from the culture she had grown up in. And my Dads side…. don’t get me started. I have given up on them completely.. We live only a few hours away but worlds apart. 

So this dream, this aspiration.. “never wait for the opportunity, create it” was just said on the radio I’m listening to.. damn… JW inspires every moment of my life, even the little things that I am exposed to because of him. I honestly owe him my life, or lives.. but that is a whole other story.. let me know if you want to hear it. Nothing is off limits. I may even tell you my deep dark. 

So today, I am here, in my rental in the desolate place of quicksand. And I am listening to friends on social media, getting more and more inspired. More and more of my friends from the west are also moving to the east, which is wonderful! I feel, once we are all there, we can meet up and connect and have community again! Maybe it’s a metaphysical shift on the world.. but I am looking forward to the future. 

Knowing that I am missing out on a huge festival this weekend in my soon to be new home.. but knowing that it has to be that way for now. In order to get there I need to focus on projects and the present to get to the future. I know I will be watching that event(s) unfold this weekend and I am dreading feeling the jealousy rise in my throat to the point I want to hurl.. and loving all of them for having that experience and for the force that is III and all that it represents. 

But throughout all this, including the constant changes that I am experiencing even at this very moment, I know my trajectory and I am thrilled and very ready. Speed bumps, already had them.. ready to deal with more as things continue to unfold. I am ready to be a butterfly. 

I am a reincarnated filmmaker/ writer/ artist daughter/ adventurer, and I will succeed. 

by Sophia Bungay @wickedlydrivenmedia2019

My Southern Sensory Overload Adventure

( or How My first trip to Nashville Changed Everything )

Even though I had an incredible possible journey planned and paid for, I didn’t want to go, didn’t want to leave my comfort zone that had started to become a prison cell. For the past year, at least, I had dreamt of moving forward with my career and life, to change the very foundations of my life. But to ponder this was a far cry from actually doing it. However, I have some awesome coworkers and a best friend who made me keep my commitment to myself. (thank you for that)

It has taken me some time to fully process this adventure I had back in November. That is part of the reason I have been so quiet as of late. But, the Christmas holiday is complete, and with the soft falling snow resting heavy and thick outside, and the town around me at a standstill,  I thought now was a perfect time to dive into it. 

But the moment that I truly committed to this journey everything started to shift for me. Arriving at the new city I had gained my independence from friends and family; no longer had to wait for them to deplane or get their bags. I was free to choose my own path! I got a car and headed into the city. Everything was crisp and beautiful, and the city was a colossal beautiful spread out before me. I have never walked as much as I had in a new city like I did on the trip. The purity and light of the place seemed to echo with its vibrancy, the creativity of its residents was  in the city air I breathed, allowing me to sigh happily as I reveled in everything I saw and everyone I met. 

The depression and feeling stuck in muck in my life had left me during this time and I could see past it, and into a bright future. 

I had quite the adventure! I met up with a new friend and together we saw a beautiful city, met some of its residents and enjoyed how charming and sweet they were, journeyed to mecca of Three men and felt inexorably changed by everything we saw, tasted, touched or experienced. (I am saving the specifics for my journal and my memory, hints can be found in my Instagram, as that is not the point of this piece.) However, with my new Canadian friend, and guided by our hopes and quite a lot of luck, we managed to make the adventure even more brilliant, revel in the teams accuracy at a hockey game, witness a charity baseball game,  while there came quite close to some of the entourage of an ideal/complete creative force and feeling completely transformed after an epic concert that left me wondering about my own fate and future.. Electric lazaretto blue sensory overload to be sure. 

Now, my feelings and thoughts of where I want to go from here are not due to a fantasy or fanatic revel, but there was a glimmer of what my future could be if I really put my blood sweat and tears into changing the course of my life. I want to be there, in that beloved location, soaking up the creativity that runs through the heart of that city, soaking in the southern charm and being transformed forever. As I already have been with the small three-day window I was there..  Just Three. my new favorite number, (and yes, if you know who I am referring to you may see the connection there.) Three days that uplifted my soul, let me breathe, become more me than I have been in the past 20 years and shake off this loss and grief and, again, start to become something other than the sad little-lost self that I have been for too long. 

I cried when I had to leave, cried when the plane lifted off the ground and I quickly wiped my tears away, knowing I would be back and didn’t want to explain to the stranger sitting to my left. I wrote, and thought, and sought out the signs of this transformation to continue.. and cried when I landed in the brown, utterly desolate landscape that I have lived in for the past twenty years, and used to love. But now it is revealing itself to me to be my past. My past reincarnation, as well as my past present life.. I can no longer stay here, or I will rot in a creative grave, and let myself never become. I need to become, grow, thrive, truly live! And for the first time since the loss of life slammed me to my very foundations of who I thought I was, wiping away any hope of a good life.. I know where I want to be, and who I want to become. 

I have to finish the projects before me. In this contemplation month I have managed to complete the minimizing project, and realize what it will take to make this new life a reality in the new year. I have already started to throw things out mentally as well as literally, that no longer serve my new purpose of life, letting this new freedom and independence and hard work start to give way to something that glistens like gold in my future. My past life will form into something unique and beautiful, in book and film form, with small vignettes of old west history travels before I leave this place. 

There is a lot to do and to keep trudging up this hill I look ahead and see the writing and historical projects complete, music videos to work, a restless soul finding peace, the land sold, and myself ready to become… and so the journey continues.. 

Stay tuned for what is to come dear reader. 

PS. Thank you Nashville and JW & Co., for waking me up. 

by Sophia Marie Bungay 12/26/18 @wickedlydrivenmedia