My phone shattered on gravel running after a cat this weekend. Typical incident, although I pride myself on the fact that I don’t do that very often. (cat is fine btw.. she is learning her boundaries) So the phone company is sending me a new one and I have insurance paperwork to fill out.. but shattered is my heart at this point in time, just like the glass that I now scroll through on my phone. 

After 1996 when my Mom died, the world shattered into a thousand pieces. And though I have managed to put it back together somewhat, it is not the same. There is a broken feel to it, as if nothing is right anymore. 

She was my world, what I filtered everything through and leaned by. She was my rock, my base, my strength, and without her… 

Some people do not feel this way in a loss and sometimes I wish I was one of those people, numb to the reality of the emptiness surrounding their hearts. Others fill that hole with new relationships and things, sometimes addictions.. and there are those that lose children and loved ones and I sympathize with them. I get it, and yet I do not understand when they can be happy all the time.. are they faking it? This world is cruel and unusual and I have no interest in it anymore. 

When my Mom died, the instant she died, there was an overpowering feeling of her presence and her strength as it washed through me. I felt her love, her essence, her soul, her spirit, her strength and courage, 

     … and then she was gone.. 

I had tried to hold onto that feeling for as long as I could, embodying it within me.. but I think I have lost it for good this time. 

Saturday, the day before the dreaded holiday, I felt it again, and I almost thought she was with me, beside me. I was so angry about my current situation that I needed this.. and thought, hey maybe she was my spirit guide and I could rely on this.. but on Sunday, that feeling was gone as well. 

How do I get that strength back, how do I go on. 

I’m considering giving up a lot of persuits as they are just causing me more and more pain. We shall see how the creative flow pays out.. but something has to change.. This shattered world has to shine a little brighter somehow and right now I am not sure that is possible. 

Thanks for listening… and if you feel the same way sometimes.. at least we aren’t alone. 

~by SMB. @wickedlydrivenmedia2019

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