I am very open here about my past lives.. and I am working on ECHO which is, in reality, based on my own experiences. But lately, I have felt as if my own self, identity, personality, etc.. has been sucked away by all this. I feel as if I don’t even know myself anymore; and that I am losing touch with what I really want. At this point, I don’t even know what I want anymore.
On a recent road trip, the first in awhile, we visited some land I own. Now, in this life, I had acquired this land a few years ago and the desire to live on it and cultivate it I had thought was mine. But when we arrived I felt nothing for it. It was nice to see it, with new young trees coming up and snow on the ground. But I still felt nothing for this land. Usually, when I visit I am full of love for it and plans for the future.. but now? I did manage to shoot some footage of it, to analyze what I really want to do with it. And the only thing I truly felt for was the logs that have been piled up on the land for a project I was considering.. weird.
I felt so strange and out of body that I wept openly about feeling lost. When we arrived in Ruidoso, a town which I usually absolutely love to visit, I felt nothing for it either. My feelings were muted at this point and very frightening to me. I didn’t feel like my future belonged there at all. It was as if I woke up and everything had changed, a part of my heart and soul had been ripped out of my life and was gone forever. I haven’t felt like that since my Mom…..
The next day I still felt the same way. And I realized by that point that my past life that had been there had been pushing me to be there now, in this life. So now I have to figure out, who am I really and what do I want in my life?
I want to finish Echo and the project after it; even on a written word is done basis and then I want to move on with my life, whatever that entails and wherever that may be. I always thought that after Echo was done I would be freer, but that will have to wait until this is all said in done.
And things got interesting after that strange day in Ruidoso! We went to Lincoln County for a historic day. One which opened up my heart again to the past. I want to be there now.. at least temporarily to get all this adventure and historical research out of my system. Perhaps I’ll just plant an airstream on the land so I have a place to stay and take advantage of the fact I do have this land.. I don’t know. Things seem weird and everything seems up in the air. The minimizing might also be another attempt for me to figure out who I am.
Makes me yearn for more family connection and understanding.. and personal understanding of what really is happening…
by Sophia Bungay