(This Blog entry is a mess, as my thoughts are… and I apologize)
There have been good things and bad things about this year, but something that will never change is the fact that my Mom is not here to witness it or be a part of it. I gained a new position in the company I work for; but I know it that isn’t where I belong and I know I have to keep moving forward.
I have started moving forward in other aspects of my life. Minimizing is a huge part of it, getting rid of things I have been burdened with because of the emotional memory of the thing, or because I thought I needed it for some reason, and now its just a useless object. I have gotten healthier, more vibrant, and seeing things for the way they are, not the way I feared or even hoped them to be.
But the ever present thing in the back of my mind is the Legacy I was born with. The time has come to embrace it. This week, on Sunday, marks the very day that it became my responsibility. This Sunday, August 13, 1995, 22 years ago, my Mom died from cancer in our home in Los Angeles. She was a prolific artist, mentor, and Goddess to me. I would call her perfect and she would get angry. She didn’t think she was perfect, and perhaps she wasn’t. Things are a lot clearer now looking at it from afar. But she was my world.
And when she died I really didn’t think I would go on. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Certainly the frivolousness of the film industry I so wanted to be a part of didn’t matter any longer.
I lost a lot of ‘friends’ then, but then again.. were they really friends or were they just there out of convenience. If they couldn’t see me through the devastation of my entire world, they weren’t there in the same capacity they pretended to be. The ones that have stayed true, are true friends, and I appreciate each and every one of them, because I know they are genuine. And the other? Doesn’t matter now, does it.
My family has gone through devastation this year; it has been another rough one. But maybe that is what is making things so clear to me, what I need to work towards. The minimizing is just a part of it. The creation of new things for the legacy is what is next. I have a need to create something more, something new, different. The anniversary has made the work abundantly clear to me.. and I cannot wait to get film shot, paint under my nails, and other people onboard to bring this to the forefront. In the meantime I will remain vague on what I am doing, but it won’t be long before this website sees some new content happening.
So, as I work on things this weekend, and take some personal time to acknowledge the loss, and heal myself, and to even post such a messy blog.. there will be a move forward, however slight it may be.