Sixteen Years…

img_2154So it has been sixteen years. 20 years after my Mom died…and the pain numbed my entire existence and blurred my vision. 20 years since I went nomadic and moved to the icy Northern tundra for a year, relying on my slim sanity and failing health and finding a kindred spirit in a Flyer fan T, who has been by my side on this journey since. 18 years since we moved south, however briefly, and discovered another side to myself; one that I knew was always there, but do I dare speak his name? 18 years after returning to California, torn up and beaten and not sure what to make of life and where to turn. 17 years after emotional healing in some ways, I was certified as a grief facilitator; but found helping people at that moment in that way, way too painful. (I hope to incorporate that soon). And 16 years after the heat and strife of the valley tore my friend and I apart; the dull skies and hot asphalt, and a bipolar dysfunctional man obsessing with my every move, drove us out of the Golden State and back to where I had been before the downward spiral of my life had began… twenty one years ago.
So, it has been sixteen years when we arrived to the high desert historical/ spiritual city on a foundation of obsidian; muting all the energy around it. Just what I needed. But at the time the sky was thick black with smoke and the energy was tense and somber. The only other guests in the hotel when we arrived were refugees from the Cerro Grande fire, an intense inferno just north of us that was engulfing homes and lives. But I was not dissuaded by this. I knew this city and what it would mean to me if I could start over here.. and so it began.
In this time I have come to grips with my losses, and gains; dipped in volcanic hot springs to heal, drank myself to the bottom of many bottles until I came to realize my genetic inheritance made that not such a good idea. I have had odd jobs, good jobs, bad jobs, long boring jobs and exciting jobs. I have met friends, enemies, jerks, and different cultures and lifestyles. And in the last year when things had really gotten out of control and I thought we would never survive we found we have made a lasting network of friends who truly care and helped out when they could. That has humbled me and I will never forget them, or this horrible year. I hope to keep these friends forever.
This year has been horrible and I have talked about it in other blogs so I won’t expand on it now; things have calmed down and stabled somewhat. And in the process I have been running into people from my last sixteen years here. It is lovely to see them, but I want to change myself so much so that it stops me in my tracks when someone tells me I had changed, and I looked great. Well.. thats progress! And I am now in a place where I can rely on some things.. but don’t want to, or need to, forever.
After being in this muted spiritual space, where the darkness of night is only cut by the brightness of the moon, and giving myself the time and space to figure things out, even though I didn’t know at the time that’s what I was doing. Every experience had meaning: from feeling out of place in bars/trying to fit in with musicians using whiskey/reuniting with old friends/finding true kindred spirits in the oddest of ways/traveling all around the west and discovering hidden gems/opening my heart to people who didn’t deserve it (and some who do)/trying to stay connected to family that (a few) did/didn’t think to put in the same effort/ finding incredible creative talent to work with/enjoying the creative process/having electric blue epiphanies in dry ice smoke in a crowded humming theatre that irrevocably changed the course of my life/and finally finding myself, my soul and liking who I was, am, and always have been.
After all this time I have regained myself completely and come out on the other side of this stronger and ready for the next chapter. The fact that this last year has been so horribly tough has made it a capstone on the fight I have been in. And now my mission is clear. Yes, all the things above will come out in story, video, or art in one form or another very soon. That is all a part of the big plan. One I am starting to implement and hope to be in full swing by my birthday in mid November, starting off my new year on the right track. There is so much more I want to accomplish, and now I feel ready to tackle the next parts of this vast adventure of life. I am on the cusp of something big. But rather then announce my plan let me just do it, sharing the journey with you here, and in other sources.. and see where this takes me. It will make each milestone that much more significant.
Am I upset that it took this damn long? No, because everything happens in its own time… yes it was a sucky long time, but needed lessons were learned, and experiences met. So, lets get to it. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in limbo (overanalyzing, obsessing, hurting, fretting, and fearing things), but out in the world, loving life and experiencing joy.
Onward!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s